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A Tea Partier About Relationships

My coming out story was long and convoluted so I will save that story for another day, instead I want to talk Carrie Bradshaw style about single life and relationship life. When I was growing up I sometimes encountered moments that in hindsight were key indicators of my sexuality, but at the time I rationalized them away in my head as one thing or another. One constant that remained with me throughout my long coming out was an image in my head of my ‘ideal family future’.

This ideal family scene is set at Christmas, I am decked out in the hat from the Christmas cracker, my numerous children have brought over my even more numerous grandchildren and we are all awaiting the arrival of the turkey from the kitchen for me to carve up. As I sit in the end chair as the head of the family at this spectacularly decorated table, with all the food and smiling faces, I see the arrival of my beautiful other half, jet black hair, dressed perfectly and the full turkey is placed in the centre of the table…and I receive a kiss on the cheek from the love of my life. A perfect image…one that I could treasure all my days…except that in this scenario….my beautiful other half…is a woman.

Now this image of wedded bliss to a beautiful woman who fills you with joy is hardly an alien concept to many gay men who have long since greeted the reality of their orientation with open arms and formed a new interpretation of the family ideal. Growing up in the 80s and 90s the idea of gay marriage wasn’t even countenanced, and the premise of living with another man wasn’t even mentioned during my 14 years of study at highly regarded but fiercely conservative catholic schools…so what other idea would form in my head.

This year I turn 30, I’m not afraid of the number, in fact I am getting the growing sense that my 30s will be a wonderful decade, but of course 29 is the age when you start reflecting on your expectations of life by the time you hit 30. I am currently single *singletons scream with delight…or not* and the prospects of marriage within the next few years are as likely as Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus hooking up and then winning ‘Most Normal Couple’ award. While I would have no objections with falling in love with a woman if by some voodoo magic she was able to excite me in all ways required; however, the likely outcome is that some handsome gent and I will get married.

So here’s the point where I just swap the gorgeous bride carrying the turkey to my gorgeous groom carrying the turkey and everything will be perfect right? Hmmm not quite! While I know I fancy men and love them and all and hope to marry one someday, the woman in that mental image was perfect, perhaps unhelpfully so, to the point of being a stepford wife. Such men and women don’t exist, they never have, they never will, and yet she has informed my expectations…If I am to let go of this childhood idea of my perfect family future I need to find myself a perfect husband to outshine this perfect wife

…I will pause for a second to allow the laughter of you all to settle…

So…I couldn’t help but wonder…Do many/all/none at all/some gay men compare their relationships and future with those of a ‘perfect woman’ from the alternate straight life that they left behind?

The reason I am pondering over this question is that I see more and more of my friends getting married, some are having children, others a dog, but in someway many of them are moving forward in the direction of a more perfect union between two people, whether straight, gay, bisexual whatever and I’m…well I’m just the same me. I remember a girl I went to University with who couldn’t stand the idea of being alone in a room for longer than a few minutes…tying in with that, she was always in a relationship, and while that’s fine for her, it’s never been my thing. I am a proud singleton, I enjoy my own company and I have used this title to travel alone to places when I wanted to without having to involve or consult anyone else, I have been able to meet up with friends, even exes, for chats without facing an interrogation that would make the Gestapo blush, it has allowed me to move to another country without feeling guilt at who I was leaving behind and in practical terms it has saved me money and heartache.

I am left to wonder…after a certain can singlehood become a chronic condition? I have embraced the good thing about singlehood…but this has also made me more selfish, While cuddles are awesome, good luck to anyone in my bed who takes up too much room or is too warm, I can’t handle it, or good luck to you if I want to try something a certain way and I don’t, I’m stubborn, I know who I am and neither want nor desire to change. Compromise is crucial to make a relationship work, but becomes so hard to succeed at when one side comes with an expectation of getting everything their own way…HOLY FUCK…I’ve just realized…I’m a Tea Partier about relationships!!!

*Sniffs some smelling salts to recover from this painful revelation*

The bizarre thing is, that during those phases when I actually HAVE been in a relationship, I have been very obliging…well to a point, but those were years ago and so I worry that my views have hardened. Dates are often one offs because I have now devised so many boxes in my head (My own ‘Contract FROM America’ that the Tea Party wingnuts once drafted as their platform) that I am genuinely expecting guys to succeed against insurmountable odds. If I looked like the heartthrob of the day, had the best job, tons of money, and a perfect personality then perhaps I could get away a little with this approach….but I’m an average looking job seeking immigrant with no money and a control freak personality…..If I were on Blind Date, Cilla would’ve told ‘Our Graham’ to not even bother introducing me. There are guys that I have dated that I have been lucky enough to retain as friends after the fact, but there’s always one of those friends that you look at and wish things had turned out differently, and for that, the blame lies with me! I am glad that he is happy now, but there is always one!

So what can I do? This problem of expectations started all the way back with this woman in my mind as a child. I am wildly ambitious in life, and appear equally ambitious in the family I want, but reality isn’t like that, How do I accept reality and learn to embrace the diverse, how do I figure out how to discard my list of boxes to tick and let myself be loved. Answers on a postcard please!

Gazing Into The Future

  1. Stephen
    January 26, 2014 at 7:11 AM

    Howdy Mr Ambassador,

    Your blog was very sex and the city this time round and I did enjoy it. As a gay man that knew I was gay since ~14 I can honestly say I never had the vision of a perfect life that you had. In my head my perfect moment would probably be similar I.e set at Christmas, but instead of being surround buy the family you describe I would be surrounded by my extended family, brothers sister nephews nieces etc and it wa far from perfect, it was real which for me was just the best feeling. Maybe it’s my overall more cynical nature that made me never yearn for the perfect dream, does that make me odd?

    You are ambitious in all aspects of your life and that drive is probably what makes you yearn for that perfect dream. There is nothing wrong with that as if you don’t try for it then you would never get close.

    As for the one that got away, I probably don’t have any authority to talk on this as you well know. But to look back is something I never thought you would do to often, you are a look forward person and I think maybe some factors in you life at the min that are making you do so. I honestly don’t believe, and never have, that there is one person in this world for us all. There is 7 billion people on our little planet so it just don’t make sense. You have meet a lot more of those 7 billion than me so if anyone will find one or two is you.

    Look at your expectations as a guide for what you are looking for in a man, when someone starts to tick some boxes then you are interested but itight take time before all those boxes are ticked 🙂


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